Thankful - Day 21

November 21
Today I'm thankful for family. ALL of my family. My mom's family in Texas and Oklahoma that I don't get to see often, but love dearly; My aunts in Virginia that I was just blessed to see; my mother-in-law's family that adopted me into their hearts when I married David; my parents (all 6 of them); my siblings (spouses included!!); my nieces and nephews (all 8 of them); my own children; and most of all my husband. I love you all!

She's walking!

At least a few steps anyway. Here's a video of her standing from the middle of the floor (she started doing this on her own that day - which was last Thursday, November 15) and taking a couple of steps. She was so tired! But she was a trooper and kept trying over and over and over. :)

Daredevil

I might have my hands full with this one - Xander would never have attempted something like this. I'm not even sure that he would try it now!

I've got my eye on you, missy. :)

The Same Page - Intro & Chapter 1

 

Link up ^ and join the book club!


Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman has rocked my world and moved my spirit. Or should I say the Spirit is moving inside me?

I might as well have highlighted the whole thing. I practically did.

Chapter One: Are you a good girl in hiding?

Ummm...yes!

I never knew there was so much about me that I was hiding. I always thought of myself as an open book. And maybe at one time I was more open than I am now. Along the way, with marriage and children, my book has quietly closed and I even found a neat little book cover so no one could catch a glimpse at the title.

I've always been a good girl - rule-follower, responsible, dependable. But I always kind of resented it. Until I could pull it out and remind people of how good I was and how unworthy they were. I remember early in my marriage telling my husband that I never "got" to sow my wild oats. Really?? That's what I want

I came to Christ when I was 16 and confessed that I was a sinner. But I ashamedly admit now that I didn't always see sin in my life. I actually had a hard time finding it sometimes. Oh, to be 16 and so naive.

Then I found it. With a vengeance. And I was ashamed and embarrassed and just could not admit defeat. I wasn't like "those" people. I was a good girl! That's when I constructed masks. I wanted everyone to see me as I always thought they had before. With little to no sin and with everything perfectly in its place.

Fast forward a bit to marriage and I realized even more how ugly my sin was and how much I hated the fact that someone else could see it so blatantly now, too. I didn't like that someone could see through my mask, so I constructed thicker ones.

Fast forward a little more to child(ren). Children make it so hard to have masks. They rip them off you in public for all to see! I had this vision of what my life should look like, how my children should act, how my husband should love me, and what other people perceived our life to be like. None of my reality measured up.

Some of my favorite quotes from the book:

"These masks became so natural to me that I didn't even know they were masks. I thought they were just part of my face. I moved through life hiding behind the good and lived out the mess in secret. I taught people around me that I had no needs and then was secretly angry with them for believing me."

"We have a God who sees and cares and notices. He will not come undone. He remains un-overwhelmable."

"Chances are, if you are a good girl like me, you can relate to the hiding. You may be hiding from something, hiding behind something, or simply hiding something. The concept of hiding isn't new. It started way back in the beginning, with an apple, a snake, a lie, and a fig leaf. The hiding has kept me silent in relationships when I could have spoken out. It has kept me paralyzed with fear and anxiety when I could have danced in freedom. And this prison of self-protection has kept me from receiving the boundless, unfathomable, gracious love of God."

"My idea of who I should be is at war with who I am. I want to be perfect in every situation. I just do. I want to know what to do. I want to know how to do it right. And I want to do it. All. By. My. Big. Self. Not only do I want to do everything perfectly, I want to look perfect while I do it. I want to act perfect and sing perfect and have perfect teeth. I want to parent perfectly, to wife perfectly, and to have a clean house. All the time."

"...my ideal image has everything to do with put together and nothing to do with falling apart."

"If my story were a planet, then your rejection of me would be my nuclear holocaust. This fear of rejection drives me hard, eating away at my courage. And so I am cautious in my love. I am timid in my faith. My life tells a small story. I long to be seen, but I feel safe when I'm invisible. So I stay a good girl. And I hide."

"I want to let go, rest, and believe, so that he can hold, refresh, and redeem. But what if I do and he doesn't?"

"As I gazed off into the foggy distance, hoping for a glimpse of the outline of his presence, I missed the One who stood beside me, casting his shadow over me as he showered me with his love."

My sometimes Truth

I look forward to work so I can get away from my house...that is, more often than not, dirty.

I let my son watch TV for hours some days.

My car has become a bottomless pit of school art projects, water bottles, and church bulletins.

The overhead lights in my bedroom have been out for a couple of months now and I haven't gotten around to changing them.

I have unexplained bouts of depression.

"Comparison is a constant companion."

"I don't quite measure up."

"I'm not the mom I thought I would be."

The hiding part? It goes along so well with the sermon my pastor, Chris, preached on 11.11.12. Check it out here. Tore me up...along with this book. Man, God is doing amazing things in me!

Philippians 1:6 (MSG)
There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.

Thankful - Days 19 & 20

November 19
Today I'm thankful for my small group. It is an awesome group of folks that I have the privilege to hang out with almost every week. I love spending time with them, hearing their thoughts and ideas, praying with and for them, and just chatting! This is definitely the best couples small group I've ever had the privilege of being a part of.

November 20
I am incredibly thankful to have the opportunity to share books with children who might not have them or know about them if it weren't for the library and the partnerships we have. What a privilege it is for me to share the gift of reading! And better yet, I get to talk to parents about the importance of reading to their child from an early age. I love "partnering with parents" (a phrase I stole from Ridge Church) to ensure that their children have a more successful and fulfilling future. Partnering with parents is one of my favorite things to do - whether it's at work, at church or with my friends. This is one of my great passions!

Disappointed

Okay, so I wrote about being honest, well here goes.
I've been finding myself very disappointed lately.
David has a deadline tomorrow. So that means he's been working a lot. A.whole.lot. Like, it's 12:45am and he's still at work - probably will be there for at least 2 more hours.
This weekend while we were in Hickory visiting my Dad and celebrating his 60th birthday, David setup shop in my dad's office and worked long hours. There were many days last week that I barely saw him. Basically, it sucks.
I don't know where to draw the line between being thankful that my husband has a job and being jealous of that job. Or being annoyed that it's constantly taking him away from me. And our kids. Then I realize that what I really want is for David to recognize my feelings.
I feel alone.
And unnoticed.
And unappreciated.
And insignificant.
He still helps me around the house and does things for me and the kids when he can, but he just doesn't have the time. I want him to come home and smother me with kisses and recognize that I did more than just keep the kids alive, I actually cleaned and cooked supper! (We all know that doesn't happen every day!) Even when I give little prompts, (i.e., "Did you notice how nice the bathroom looked when you got home? The ring around the toilet is gone!" - I mean, not even subtle!) I don't get any recognition.

And then it hits me. Who am I? Why do I feel that I deserve recognition or appreciation? Aren't I doing what God has asked me to do? Didn't I make the choice to stay home with my kids over working full-time? Realizing that this is sooo not about me, my attitude is changed. Instead of having the selfish attitude of me, me, me, and expecting David to fulfill my every need, I realize that I should turn to God and allow him to fulfill my needs. And I need to pray for David. What must he be feeling through all of this? (Not that he would express it, but that's a whole other story.)
So instead, Ephesians 3:14-21 is my response:

^14-19 My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

^20-21 God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

Glory to God in the church!
Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus!
Glory down all the generations!
Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes!

Oh, yes.

Look Whoo's One!

Amelia Jayne's big party was the last Saturday of October. I'm finally getting around to uploading pictures! The battery in my camera was dead, so I had to get these pictures from my mom and it took awhile. :)

My mom and I had so much fun hosting this party together - coming up with a plan, sharing ideas, getting everything made and then pulling it all together. It was great! The weekend was jam-packed, but it was very fun.

Here are the pictures of Amelia Jayne's first birthday party. It was a hoot! :)

Smash cake

Monthly pictures

Oh, and since I missed out on her monthly stats - here they are:

Height: 29.75 in (61%)

Weight: 21 lb (62%)

Head Circumference: 17.24 in (17%)

As compared to Xander's at the same age:

Height: 29.5 in (42%)

Weight: 25 lb, 10 oz (86%)

Head Circumference: 19 in (93%)