Confessions

I have to admit - I'm pretty miserable right now. I don't feel like I can do anything that doesn't cause pain. I think, "I'll just lay down for a minute" and either my hips, back, stomach, chest, etc. hurts! I think, "I'll just take a walk" and my hips, pelvis, legs or feet ache tremendously. I think, "I can cook dinner tonight" and by the time I'm finished with it, I'm useless for the rest of the night. I think, "I have all these things I want to do before Amelia Jayne is born" and I get a small fraction of those things accomplished.

I'm feeling pretty useless these days. Especially when I have a day like yesterday.

I lost it yesterday. Like, really lost it. I yelled at Xander. Like, really yelled. I've never done that before. He was exasperating me, repeating everything I said instead of answering my questions. He was tired which complicated matters, made him more emotional and needy. I didn't have much to give yesterday. So I yelled at him. He cried. I cried. It was awful. As a wise friend told me, "He'll forget about it," and I believe that and I'm thankful that God erases sin and gives comfort to the needy, but I don't know that I'll forget so easily. I felt (and still feel) terrible about the way I acted out in anger toward my two year old child who can't control his emotions and doesn't understand his own needs yet.

Sigh.

Life will get better. I know this. It's less than a week now when I will no longer be pregnant. I will hold my sweet little girl in my arms (instead of in my body) and be able to share her with others, too.

Right now I'm feeling emotional and drained. Oh and did I mention I have a cold? And so does Xander. Thanks for your prayers, friends. And thanks for letting me be honest about what I'm going through. Life isn't all bad by any means. There are still good and happy moments. But in 6 days, I hope to see many more of those. :)