Thursday, May 23, 2013

30 Days of Blogging: Day Two

Day two: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and describe how they became fears.

This is a tough one for me. I'm not a very scared person. I'm not a worrier or anxious all the time. I'm probably more of the opposite. I should probably be a little more cautious and maybe not quite as trusting as I am, but the fact is, I'm not. So, I'll attempt to be honest.

On my fear of rejection:

I am afraid to let people down. I always want to do my best and to be the best I can be. I want to please people and I want them to like me. I am often afraid of what other people think of me. Thankfully I am not nearly as afraid of this as I used to be, but it's something I still struggle with. I've had enough life experiences, situations arise, and my eyes opened to my own and other people's situations that I don't fear that like I used to. But every once in a while it creeps back in and threatens to overtake me.

On my fear of failure:

I am afraid of my actions sometimes. I am responsible for two very little and very dear lives each and every day. I am afraid I'm going to mess them up. Intellectually I realize that we're all screwed up in one way or another. We all come from dysfunctional families and homes that could've been better. I just want to do the best I can (see above) and do them right. I have a very real fear of failure. And I don't want to fail them. Or myself. Or anyone, for that matter.

On my fear of loss:

For myself, I am not worried or fearsome of death. I know that when I die I will spend eternity with Jesus. I look forward to that really. And though I know the same is true for my husband and my babies, I have a legitimate fear of losing them. More specifically, of living this life without them because they are my life. I love them all so dearly and so much more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human being, and to multiply that by three! I'm so lucky! They are part of me, part of my being. They bring so much joy and laughter and meaning to my life. I know I would be okay without them and I know that it is only by the grace of God that they are in my life at all. But now that they're in my life, I am afraid of what life would be like without them. 

My attempt at honesty got pretty heavy, right? Well here's another truth about me - I don't like to be scared. I think that's one of the main reasons I'm not scared of some of the norms like snakes, mice, spiders, bugs, lizards, storms, tornadoes, etc. - because I don't like the feeling of living in fear, so I choose not to. However, when I do get scared, like when I watch a scary movie (which I loathe) or if someone scares me (whether intentionally or not) I have a violent reaction - I usually hit/lash out or I cry uncontrollably.

Here are a couple of examples of this behavior:

David and I had been married less than a year. I had gone to the extra bedroom (when we had one of those...pre-kids) to take a nap since he had things he needed to do in our bedroom. I had fallen asleep so he came in to wake me up. All he did was lay his hand on my shoulder and say my name, but I guess it startled me awake, enough to really evoke my crying reaction. I sat straight up, looked at him and burst into tears. It was the silliest thing and David had no idea how to respond. He's very careful about how he wakes me up now. :)

One night, when I was about 12 years old, I was upstairs with a friend of mine who was spending the night. We were alone in the house, but we thought we heard a noise. I went downstairs to investigate. I walked down the hall, peeked around the corner and my step-brother, Sean, jumped out from behind the door and yelled, scaring me badly. He took off running and I took off after him. He ran down the hall toward his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. I got to the door before it latched and flung it open, catching up to him when he reached his bed. I slapped him so hard on the back that my hand print stayed there for minutes! Unfortunately, when I knocked the door open, it bent the door stop and the doorknob went right through the wall. My mom made Sean and I repair and paint the wall together. That was our punishment. I was thankful it wasn't more severe than that, and Sean was much nicer to me after that whole ordeal. :)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 
2 Timothy 1:7

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