Friday, October 18, 2013

Joy and Depression

I've been depressed over the past few months. There's no way around it. I think I've been hiding it. Not intentionally, really, but I just didn't know what to do with it. Or the why of it. I would love to tell you why I've been depressed, but I just can't. There's not one major life event that happened and "depressed" me. It's a culmination of things really...

We moved in July. With any move comes stress. The whole process was fairly smooth as far as these things go, but it was still stressful. I think anytime you have to pack up a house and move it all, sign away your life through a mountain of paperwork, emails and phone calls, figure out new schedules, new routes, new routines...it takes a toll.

Add to that the stresses of renting out our old house, which has been fairly simple yet we still had a lot of responsibility, phone calls, paperwork, etc. It's been fairly smooth, but I still feel the weight of that responsibility heavily. I like to think that I'm flexible and easygoing, but in reality I like things to stay predictable and uncomplicated. There is nothing uncomplicated about moving or renting out a house.

The new school year started up. I typically love the start of fall and the beginnings of routines and schedules. However, this year I had a hard time figuring it all out. I'll be honest and say I still don't have it figured out and I'm not necessarily sold on the schedule we have. But it's ours for now. David and I have discussed this schedule and will most likely make some changes, either very soon or at least by next year.

I feel that I must include the job of motherhood in this category. Don't get me wrong. I love being a mother and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Most days. (I'm not gonna lie here, there are times that I just might trade it for a cup of coffee and a good book...By.My.Self.)
There are those days when I absolutely have no idea what to do. I don't know how to discipline. I don't know how to create activities. I don't know how to have an imagination. I don't know how to figure out everyone's schedule. I don't know how to love well. And there are some days that I don't know my children at all.

I'm learning. I'm figuring some of this out and on the days that I can't figure it out, I'm allowing God's grace to fill in the gaps, to pour out over me and my children and everything that I don't know or understand.

And that's where joy comes in. It's something I will choose each day. I keep reminding myself that it's new every morning. It's there, I just have to find it.

Psalm 30

O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
    and you have healed me.
O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
    you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.[a]
Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints,
    and give thanks to his holy name.[b]
For his anger is but for a moment,
    and his favor is for a lifetime.[c]
Weeping may tarry for the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.
As for me, I said in my prosperity,
    “I shall never be moved.”
By your favor, O Lord,
    you made my mountain stand strong;
you hid your face;
    I was dismayed.
To you, O Lord, I cry,
    and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
“What profit is there in my death,[d]
    if I go down to the pit?[e]
Will the dust praise you?
    Will it tell of your faithfulness?
10 Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me!
    O Lord, be my helper!”
11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
    you have loosed my sackcloth
    and clothed me with gladness,
12 that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

Today I choose joy!!

1 comment:

THE JUDY JOURNEY said...

I'm so sorry you're struggling dear friend! I will pray for you! I'm right there with you on much of what you're feeling. Depression has been with me on and off since we moved in February. It's just been a hard year. Hang in there and I'll pray for Him to provide grace on the hard days and lots of joy! Love you!