Joy and Depression

I've been depressed over the past few months. There's no way around it. I think I've been hiding it. Not intentionally, really, but I just didn't know what to do with it. Or the why of it. I would love to tell you why I've been depressed, but I just can't. There's not one major life event that happened and "depressed" me. It's a culmination of things really...

We moved in July. With any move comes stress. The whole process was fairly smooth as far as these things go, but it was still stressful. I think anytime you have to pack up a house and move it all, sign away your life through a mountain of paperwork, emails and phone calls, figure out new schedules, new routes, new routines...it takes a toll.

Add to that the stresses of renting out our old house, which has been fairly simple yet we still had a lot of responsibility, phone calls, paperwork, etc. It's been fairly smooth, but I still feel the weight of that responsibility heavily. I like to think that I'm flexible and easygoing, but in reality I like things to stay predictable and uncomplicated. There is nothing uncomplicated about moving or renting out a house.

The new school year started up. I typically love the start of fall and the beginnings of routines and schedules. However, this year I had a hard time figuring it all out. I'll be honest and say I still don't have it figured out and I'm not necessarily sold on the schedule we have. But it's ours for now. David and I have discussed this schedule and will most likely make some changes, either very soon or at least by next year.

I feel that I must include the job of motherhood in this category. Don't get me wrong. I love being a mother and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Most days. (I'm not gonna lie here, there are times that I just might trade it for a cup of coffee and a good book...By.My.Self.)
There are those days when I absolutely have no idea what to do. I don't know how to discipline. I don't know how to create activities. I don't know how to have an imagination. I don't know how to figure out everyone's schedule. I don't know how to love well. And there are some days that I don't know my children at all.

I'm learning. I'm figuring some of this out and on the days that I can't figure it out, I'm allowing God's grace to fill in the gaps, to pour out over me and my children and everything that I don't know or understand.

And that's where joy comes in. It's something I will choose each day. I keep reminding myself that it's new every morning. It's there, I just have to find it.

Psalm 30

² O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,
    and you have healed me.
³ O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
    you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.^[a]

⁴ Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints,
    and give thanks to his holy name.^[b]
5 For his anger is but for a moment,
    and his favor is for a lifetime.^[c]
Weeping may tarry for the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.

⁶ As for me, I said in my prosperity,
    “I shall never be moved.”
⁷ By your favor, O Lord,
    you made my mountain stand strong;
you hid your face;
    I was dismayed.

⁸ To you, O Lord, I cry,
    and to the Lord I plead for mercy:
⁹ “What profit is there in my death,^[d]
    if I go down to the pit?^[e]
Will the dust praise you?
    Will it tell of your faithfulness?
¹⁰ Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me!
    O Lord, be my helper!”

¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
    you have loosed my sackcloth
    and clothed me with gladness,
¹² that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

Today I choose joy!!