Friday, May 6, 2011

Concerns

I've had some concerns recently about having a second child. I'm very excited and can't wait to meet this baby face to face and kiss those little hands and toes, but I know this time around will be completely different. This time I have Xander. I know it will take time for Xander to adjust to a new baby - we'll all have to adjust. I also know this new person will change my relationship with Xander. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I know it will change. And that's been really hard for me to deal with lately. I love my little boy. And I love the relationship we have. Many people's concerns are that they won't have enough love for their second child. Everyone I've talked to says their love doubles instead of splits. I'm not concerned about loving this new baby - I already do and I know that this child will be special, too. I'm just worried about the way my relationship with Xander will change. I won't have as much one-on-one time with him. I won't be able to meet his every need in the instant that he "needs" it. He won't be able to count on me in the same way that he's used to. And then I think about how good that might be for him. And for me. It's good for him to learn patience and putting others first. But what hard lessons those are to learn, especially for a two year old! But what better time to learn, I guess, right? I have a difficult time seeing my little boy sad and I'm so afraid that by having this second child that I'll be causing much of his sadness. I hope that won't be the case. I hope he falls in love with this baby just like I have.

I found this article by Jennifer Bingham Hull on staying close to your firstborn once the second child comes along. She shares some good tips. There's another article on the same website called Second Child Survival Tips. I'm also considering buying her book, Beyond One: Growing a Family and Getting a Life. She seems pretty down to earth, and the way I've been feeling lately I sure could use some encouragement!

David has been really great about all of this. I'd been holding in all of these feelings and not sharing them with anybody, not even David. The other night I was so upset and I broke down, telling David about all the fears I've been having and how hard it is for me to think about changing Xander's life so drastically. The thing I love about sharing these feelings with David is that no one else can understand this like he can. The only other parent Xander has is David. He knows our son as well as I do and he knows me, too. I'm not saying he understands me, but he knows me. :) And his encouraging words helped me feel like we can do this. We're going to be together and so we'll do this together.

1 comment:

Lori Reed said...

I cried my eyes out the night before #2 was born over the same thing. It is so hard to imagine making "space" for another child. But believe me you find a way. There are definitely challenging times but a good friend once told me that the greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling. In many ways I enjoyed my second child more because I was not a first time mom obsessing over every little detail. It is a struggle to find ways to make each feel special and unique and learn what "fair" means, but I have no doubt that you can not only do it but do it so well that you will write a book about it!