The Same Page - Intro & Chapter 1

 

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Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman has rocked my world and moved my spirit. Or should I say the Spirit is moving inside me?

I might as well have highlighted the whole thing. I practically did.

Chapter One: Are you a good girl in hiding?

Ummm...yes!

I never knew there was so much about me that I was hiding. I always thought of myself as an open book. And maybe at one time I was more open than I am now. Along the way, with marriage and children, my book has quietly closed and I even found a neat little book cover so no one could catch a glimpse at the title.

I've always been a good girl - rule-follower, responsible, dependable. But I always kind of resented it. Until I could pull it out and remind people of how good I was and how unworthy they were. I remember early in my marriage telling my husband that I never "got" to sow my wild oats. Really?? That's what I want

I came to Christ when I was 16 and confessed that I was a sinner. But I ashamedly admit now that I didn't always see sin in my life. I actually had a hard time finding it sometimes. Oh, to be 16 and so naive.

Then I found it. With a vengeance. And I was ashamed and embarrassed and just could not admit defeat. I wasn't like "those" people. I was a good girl! That's when I constructed masks. I wanted everyone to see me as I always thought they had before. With little to no sin and with everything perfectly in its place.

Fast forward a bit to marriage and I realized even more how ugly my sin was and how much I hated the fact that someone else could see it so blatantly now, too. I didn't like that someone could see through my mask, so I constructed thicker ones.

Fast forward a little more to child(ren). Children make it so hard to have masks. They rip them off you in public for all to see! I had this vision of what my life should look like, how my children should act, how my husband should love me, and what other people perceived our life to be like. None of my reality measured up.

Some of my favorite quotes from the book:

"These masks became so natural to me that I didn't even know they were masks. I thought they were just part of my face. I moved through life hiding behind the good and lived out the mess in secret. I taught people around me that I had no needs and then was secretly angry with them for believing me."

"We have a God who sees and cares and notices. He will not come undone. He remains un-overwhelmable."

"Chances are, if you are a good girl like me, you can relate to the hiding. You may be hiding from something, hiding behind something, or simply hiding something. The concept of hiding isn't new. It started way back in the beginning, with an apple, a snake, a lie, and a fig leaf. The hiding has kept me silent in relationships when I could have spoken out. It has kept me paralyzed with fear and anxiety when I could have danced in freedom. And this prison of self-protection has kept me from receiving the boundless, unfathomable, gracious love of God."

"My idea of who I should be is at war with who I am. I want to be perfect in every situation. I just do. I want to know what to do. I want to know how to do it right. And I want to do it. All. By. My. Big. Self. Not only do I want to do everything perfectly, I want to look perfect while I do it. I want to act perfect and sing perfect and have perfect teeth. I want to parent perfectly, to wife perfectly, and to have a clean house. All the time."

"...my ideal image has everything to do with put together and nothing to do with falling apart."

"If my story were a planet, then your rejection of me would be my nuclear holocaust. This fear of rejection drives me hard, eating away at my courage. And so I am cautious in my love. I am timid in my faith. My life tells a small story. I long to be seen, but I feel safe when I'm invisible. So I stay a good girl. And I hide."

"I want to let go, rest, and believe, so that he can hold, refresh, and redeem. But what if I do and he doesn't?"

"As I gazed off into the foggy distance, hoping for a glimpse of the outline of his presence, I missed the One who stood beside me, casting his shadow over me as he showered me with his love."

My sometimes Truth

I look forward to work so I can get away from my house...that is, more often than not, dirty.

I let my son watch TV for hours some days.

My car has become a bottomless pit of school art projects, water bottles, and church bulletins.

The overhead lights in my bedroom have been out for a couple of months now and I haven't gotten around to changing them.

I have unexplained bouts of depression.

"Comparison is a constant companion."

"I don't quite measure up."

"I'm not the mom I thought I would be."

The hiding part? It goes along so well with the sermon my pastor, Chris, preached on 11.11.12. Check it out here. Tore me up...along with this book. Man, God is doing amazing things in me!

Philippians 1:6 (MSG)
There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.